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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26154067">It's All Gonna Be Okay</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LionThot/pseuds/LionThot'>LionThot</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Disabled Character, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Sibling Incest, Trans Female Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:22:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,049</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26154067</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LionThot/pseuds/LionThot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It's All Gonna Be Okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=A+close+friend">A close friend</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I gripped the phone in both hands and leaned into the cold water of the shower in an attempt to drown out the world. Anything, <em>anything</em> for this night to be over. The water slipped through the roots of my hair and over my face, running along my lips. If I breathed too deeply, I might inhale some. If I breathed in enough... The thought was morbidly tempting, but I pushed it aside. Maybe I could do that to myself, maybe I could do it to <em>them,</em> but I could never do it to her. </p><p>Opening my eyes, I could just see the tips of my bangs caught in the stream of water. My hair had never been this long before, and the fact that I was beginning to be able to see it felt like progress. The thought made my heart quicken. Progress, something I had been denied for so long. I would have to answer to my parents, eventually, but for now it was a small comfort in the face of a million obstacles. Melissa had actually been the one to suggest growing it out; she had even coaxed me into the idea with the promise she would teach me how to do my makeup. Not that Melissa really needed to coax me into doing anything- the idea being hers was enough for me. I checked the phone before putting it aside. 9:27pm, no notifications. I grabbed the shampoo from the lower shelf and began lathering a handful into my hair. It occurred to me that I had no clue where she had learned to do makeup; I strongly doubted that the person who called herself our mother had ever thought to teach her such things. Nonetheless, when she had left for her date tonight, she had looked more stunning than I thought humanly possible. Her flowing brown hair, deep chestnut eyes that were so kind and thoughtful... I had been speechless when I saw her. Even now, thinking of the way her eyeliner was so delicately applied to the most intimate part of her eyes for striking effect was enough to make me blush. </p><p>I looked up into the water to rinse my hair and my thoughts. It crossed my mind that it felt like looking to the heavens to beg for forgiveness. I whipped my head back, clawing at my nose to try and get the water out- clawing at my mind to try and strip it of the jealousy I felt for whatever asshole she had planned a date with this time. Or was it envy? I had never paid enough attention in church to remember the difference. I reached for the body wash I normally used, but a perverse thought passed my mind as I spotted Melissa’s conditioner. <em>If I’m going to have longer hair, then I should take better care of it, </em>I thought. <em>I want to smell like she does,</em> I didn’t think. I’m not so codependent that I thought that I missed her, even though she had only been gone for two and a half hours. I’m not so painfully in love with her that I cried when I opened the bottle. </p><p>I turned off the water some time later (10:16pm, still no texts) and I began to dry myself off before beginning the painstaking process of making my way from the shower seat to my chair. This house wasn’t built to be accessible, but then again, neither were most things. That had been a bitter discovery after, and would be the first of many. That my sister was putting her entire life on hold in order to care for me was the most bitter. I tried to argue, to tell her to leave this godforsaken house and live her life, to leave me here. She didn’t have to sacrifice herself. “It isn’t a sacrifice,” she had said with a dry chuckle. “It’s because I love you, and I’m not throwing you to that <em>wolf</em>.” </p><p>“That wolf”, or our mother: the reason I had tried to make myself small of these years. If she ignored me, then I would be safe. If she forgot I was here, even better. To invite her attention was to invite derision, picking apart my every thought like a crow to a carcass. It didn’t usually get worse than that, but when it did... There was a reason I had only come out to my sister.</p><p>By now I had finally gotten back to my room, so I grabbed my laptop, climbed under my covers and began idly scrolling through Netflix, looking for something to watch as I waited for her. So many series we had started together but not finished... So many movies that she had loved, at least before Montana. As I put on some Korean action drama, I tried not to think about the way that she had changed since she disappeared for years to live with her internet boyfriend, but I could never totally forget. I saw it in the way that she couldn’t laugh without giving herself permission, as though her joy had been replaced with fear. Part of her was left amidst the mountains and the sky and the loneliness. He took more of her than any one person deserved to have. </p><p>At 11:07 I sat up as I heard the front door finally open, followed by the very deliberate pace of clicking heels walking down the hall. Melissa knocked on the open door as she came inside. Her sapphire dress hung off of her in an odd way, and her hair was wild in the front and sides. Her expression looked pained as she finally spoke. </p><p>“Mind if I come in?”</p><p>“What happened?” I asked. “Are you okay?” </p><p>She stepped in and closed the door behind her, taking a seat on the bed beside me without answering my question. After what seemed an eternity, she finally spoke. </p><p>“He didn’t even show up. He didn’t call or text, just... Nothing. I didn’t even get my meal because I was still hopeful, right up until the restaurant closed.” She looked at me, eyes brimming with tears. “Sarah, do you think something’s wrong with me? That I’ve done something to deserve this?”</p><p>The question broke something inside of me. Whatever resolve I had had to keep my feelings to myself, to hold back those thoughts was gone. I leaned over and wrapped my arms around her, and she tightly returned the hug.</p><p>“No, Mel,” I said quietly. “No, there’s nothing wrong with you, and you don’t deserve this.” She squeezed tighter, and I gently stroked down her back. “Listen to me, you don’t. You’re going to find someone who loves you and can show it. Who is there when you need them most, and would never even think of hurting you. I promise.”</p><p>Melissa pulled away from the embrace, looking me in the eye.</p><p>“How can you know? How can you promise that there will be someone when every single person who’s ever liked me like that has just thrown me away when they get bored?”</p><p>It didn’t feel like I was the one who spoke the words that came out of my mouth. If I had even given it just a bit of thought, I don’t know if I could have said it. </p><p>“Because, Melissa, I love you. I love you so wholly that I’m not sure I can even comprehend the scale of how I feel. You’re the most kind and compassionate person I’ve ever met, and you’re awe-inspiringly beautiful. Even for all of your flaws, I know and love every single one. Your personality is such a rare and precious thing that I can’t help but want to protect it. Seeing you like this *breaks* me, Mel. You’re all I’ve had for so long, and I just want to be able to give back even a fraction of the love you’ve shown to me.” </p><p>I fell silent. Melissa’s face turned red as the realization dawned on her. What the fuck had I just done? How could I jeopardize the one good thing in my life? Why couldn’t I just keep quiet? Why-</p><p>“Sarah?” Melissa asked, and I realized that she wasn’t the only one who was crying. She pulled me back into a hug, and I quietly accepted it, relaxing into her arms. Her touch and her scent were all I could focus on, lost in the comfort of the girl I loved almost as much as life itself. </p><p>Some time later, she gave me a quick pat on the back. “You know, I still haven’t eaten yet. Do you think we could go talk about this over some food?” </p><p>I reluctantly pulled away from the hug and looked up to see a tender smile on her face. I felt my face flush more than it already had been as I nodded slightly. “Yeah, I could definitely use something to eat. I’ve been worrying about you for most of the night.” </p><p>Melissa kissed me on the cheek with a gentle smile. “Let’s get ready then.”</p><p>----</p><p>The drive to the diner was the most stressful of my life. Melissa’s expression was inscrutable, and her behavior in the bedroom was only slightly better. By the time we arrived, my palms bore the half-moon indentations from clenching my nails for so long. I was skittish and hesitant to follow her in, but Melissa held the door open for me to enter first. </p><p>As soon as the waitress left us our menus, I looked up at my sister expectantly, but she just perused the menu at a leisurely pace. I would have called her cruel, but the slight furrow in her brow told me that she wasn’t trying to torment me; she was just trying to think. It was after we had placed our orders that she finally spoke up. </p><p>“I’m not sure how to respond to what you told me tonight,” she began. “When you told me...what you did, I was surprised. I never would have guessed that you felt that strongly about me. I know that we’ve been through a lot together, but I just assumed that that was the extent of it. That we loved each other because we were the only family either of us could ever actually rely on.”</p><p>“I’m proud of you for telling me, Sarah,” she continued, and I felt my stomach plummet. She was trying to figure out how to let me down softly.... “But I’m not sure I’m comfortable with us dating yet.”</p><p>“Yet?” I asked, my ears filled with the thrum of a heartbeat gone wild. </p><p>“I love you Sarah,” she said, taking my hand in hers, and I could feel my cheeks redden in response. “I’m not sure that it’s quite the same way that you love me, but I always want you to be by my side, regardless of what our relationship might be. I know that one day you’ll be an excellent wife, and I would be lucky to call you mine, but there’s a couple of things I need to work out for myself first.”</p><p>“...Like whether you’ll be able to give up marriage and children,” I said, and she nodded. It was one of the reasons I had taken this long to confess, and yet it wasn’t even because I was her sister that I couldn’t give her those things; just a shit luck of the draw. </p><p>“There are other ways to have kids,” she responded. “The bigger thing is that I’m not sure if I’m ready to date a girl.”</p><p>“I mean, I’m barely a girl,” I said, and she squeezed my hand.</p><p>“You’re the worst,” she chided. “You’re a strong, beautiful young woman and you have great things ahead of you. It’s just... I’ve never even considered being with a woman, and I don’t want to hurt you by jumping into something neither of us are ready for.”</p><p>“But you’re okay with my feelings for you?” </p><p>“I already told you,” she said, smiling in a way that I could barely remember. This was the kind of smile that she had before Montana. “I love you.”</p><p>“I love you too,” I said, and I said it in every way that I meant. </p>
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